A Simple Me, Daring For Ultimatums

Friday, September 17, 2010

Day 15 – This is a letter for you

Breaking my heart for three times, awesome. It is just awesome. I tell you, I have never been this much broken. Maybe it is my aftermath after I have ever said “No” to many, yeah many, people, all genders, who really want me to be in love with them. I am decisive. I say “No” before everything gets started. But, I said “No” nicely to them and I told and explained to them why I said it like that. I listened to their wishes of wanting me, and I was still decisive, not because I was stern and ignorant, but I was doing the best for them, to let them see of who they were to themselves, not to me yet.

I asked them to listen to my words and asked them to have a good life with anyone whom they could feel the connection really well, and not just asking them to have a good life with anyone, but there were many things I had discussed with them – which were not meant to tell you in digital texts like these. They all listened; they did not have a broken heart; they were happy that I listened and spoke to them in my full care and attention which I did it face to face. They are now friends of mine.

What can I say to myself? I am hot and I have many admirers who just like to fling around and cling up behind me. Do I say yes to all of them? No. It is because if I am friendly and am taking them as my personals, would you want me to be taken and shared by them? Where are you in me although I have said that I like you, if I am friendly and befriend with all of them personally?

You broke me thrice over the digital texts. It is funny, you know. You’ve said “Actions speak louder than words”. And, for me, it is for you, your maxim – bullshit. I said the nice little blooming 3 words to you “I love you” to your physique and face, you were shocked because you had never seen someone like me who did say things not from the thin air but from the thin deep ocean. You were quiet – blasphemously funny. Blasphemously funny.

You hurt now because of my choice of words; well you have hurt me in your symbolic ambiguous choice of words that you text to me digitally. You don’t realize that? Well, it is because you are doing sin to yourself. The sin that you have ignored your mentality of deciding it is what haunts you for your ageing life. You don’t need me, but you care for me. You ignore me, but you stalk me down. You hate me, but you love me. You love me or like me, but you hate me. You want both, but you want one only. You have neither, but you want both. You cannot decide because you want both, not one. You want perfections. You are a perfectionist to yourself. You want to have a good glam life, but you want to be a practitioner of modesty.

Yeah, I am angry with your not-so-well-round-up personality. Yeah, who am I to judge you, eh? I am broken into pieces and I mend myself without anyone’s help. It is I who is reborn from the pieces that the Snow Lady has captured me to pile them up, like a phoenix. However, I am not a phoenix, I am a Pegasus.

I cannot be your friend like you want, I am sorry. Before we had contacts in body to body, I had already had the feelings for you, liking and loving you. How would I let myself be your friend if I could not help myself to bar up my feelings for you? I’ve said that if the feelings are still there for you, I’ll walk away. Walking away does not mean I leave you. It is two different sonatas. I walk away because I want to try myself barring up the feelings, but I tell you I can’t though I have asked Jesus about it because the love, I believe, is pure. That’s why I silence myself without bothering you with digitals numbers and numerical words, but I write for letting the pain in my heart go painful, bleeding and dying with only me cares. I don’t even include you to care it for me. Am I kind? No, I bet you say I am pathetic and rigidly insane.

Mending myself for the last two broken hearts had been……… (just fill in if you like to, just ignore if you love to)

Now, I am mending myself for the third one. I am so cruel to myself that I mend myself in reverse. I do it backwardly. You don’t know this? Well, you are good at symbols (finite treasures but ambiguous), so decipher these words of symbolism of mine.

I cry. A tough guy like me, like you say me a strong guy, needs to cry sometimes because I am a human. But what you did to me, you didn’t see me a human. Will you at least see me in other way?

Choose one of these as my finale. Please, I beg you. You would know the answers when there is something out of ordinary happens. Give me the hint on your wall, so I will know.

A pair of slippers 


A roll of threads

To Hell, I scream your name for you might get more digital numerical texts because my heart is so fucking painful and my tears bags are torn many many times.

To Heaven where God is, I offer your name for the better life and for the binary of better life He gives. I know I am not perfect. I am not perfect. I am hurt.

I am hurt. I am hurt. I am hurt. Hurting me is like cursing the robotic programmed TV remote. I am hurt. I am hurt.

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