I am not proud, but happy, that though arguments were rough during my schooling years in secondary school for my parents did not want me to be away from them anymore, because having a child is supposedly raising it with your bare eyes, not having him away for 18 years for better education and its cultural experience and just imagining him growing up, when he came back you had forgotten how he smiled childishly, how his voice changed, how he started to develop some classic defenses for himself and his parents and others, I have been given the opportunity to use my brain as extremely as I must.
My long long last friends since kindergarten and primary schools who always acquainted me with the loneliness feelings for just a sip of love, though my mother always cried when she sent me off, my father hid his tears well, my sisters who always wrote me a letter of comfort and confidence, my brothers whom I did not see them growing, luckily I saw them when they were still red, squishy little babies; pictures had them all but pictures had frozen them for just one snappy aperture; I was sitting in the classroom, rising my hands high, for others would not be asked, scoring more As than anybody, scoring more Stars, had been the most favourable student among others, being bullied, being the bully, caught into a fight or more fights, had my fists and legs at the seniors and juniors, had been quarantined, had been tortured more towards my wisdom. Handling myself with just happiness, joy and rationales. I don't find / I didn't find satisfactions in what my brain has brought up to the community, but happiness, joy and rationales evolve in me like a red rose (wah melampau suda ekspresi ini haha, but it's real, because the rose is red, has thorns, has green straps) for the community whom I worked for, whom I had treasured my brain to satisfy them about life.
My long long last friends since kindergarten and primary schools who always acquainted me with the loneliness feelings for just a sip of love, though my mother always cried when she sent me off, my father hid his tears well, my sisters who always wrote me a letter of comfort and confidence, my brothers whom I did not see them growing, luckily I saw them when they were still red, squishy little babies; pictures had them all but pictures had frozen them for just one snappy aperture; I was sitting in the classroom, rising my hands high, for others would not be asked, scoring more As than anybody, scoring more Stars, had been the most favourable student among others, being bullied, being the bully, caught into a fight or more fights, had my fists and legs at the seniors and juniors, had been quarantined, had been tortured more towards my wisdom. Handling myself with just happiness, joy and rationales. I don't find / I didn't find satisfactions in what my brain has brought up to the community, but happiness, joy and rationales evolve in me like a red rose (wah melampau suda ekspresi ini haha, but it's real, because the rose is red, has thorns, has green straps) for the community whom I worked for, whom I had treasured my brain to satisfy them about life.
Brother Clement, whom was always watching over me, playing with the Priests and Bishop's retrievers, Labradors, and German Shepherds, making fun of myself when he asked me to join with him to pray to God that he was so furious with his phrases "Hey, you are a clown to Him" and I stopped, kneeling, praying, no, sleeping actually, always said to me "Your brain is for others to evolve and revolutinize. Use it well for people"...I just said "Yes. I will" - a child does that. seriously.
When I came to 19 years old, I had so many golden opportunities to become what I wanted to be - a medical doctor, perhaps a surgical medical doctor. Then, one tiny unwanted offer came by - a teaching teacher for English Language, a teaching teacher for Mathematics for Program Pelajar Cemerlang. I really said "Yes, medical. FINALLY" That offers stood for 7 years and a half, first in Russia, second in the local universities - USM, UM - all full scholarships. But one minuscule reflection had all over me, "How would I eat, get heated?" because my brain was calculating all the thousand expenses. My family is not rich. My brothers and sisters were studying at that time. Then, the unwanted offer stood for 6 years of studies, the other - 5 years of studies, there went the arguments. pretty tough! I burnt all my Physics, Chemistry, Biology, and other SPM books, piles of notes, piles of my own personal reference books for learning those had me drowned for others. Biasalah darah muda - panas mcm sial. Before reaching Form 4 and 5, they had said about it already that I should not go away for years more, that I should be more a seer towards my siblings. My friends were paying attention to what I felt. My parents did pay attention. I did not pay attention to myself.
As I decided to become a TESL teacher, I went through all the beats of it in the institution, schools, and also the university. I found joy, happiness and rationales because I threw my fists of contented words like who Noam Chomsky was or Pavlov was. However, I found dryness because I had them all saying their pride too loud, like "Hey, I am much better than you, anjing! Let mine be their use for their lives" Then, thank God, I found one funny thing about these people, they had no IMPLEMENTATION EVALUATED STRATEGIES, so I bombarded again. It was really fun channeling my anger at the theory classes. Then, it came a great surprised prize, I was assigned to list all the implementation evaluated strategies. alone. nobody helped. for I am a Sabahan. for I am a different, weird, out-of-nowhere punya brain. "Wah, berani mati la ko" - that's a good mockery folks. In the end of the day, they had used mine without me permitting, they had stopped smirking when my brain started to speak up again. Am I proud? No, I am worried.
Then, I had still had my feelings over medicine, so I secretly, had entourage over scholarships for medicine. I had one. Then, it happened. Art and Science are running together in my brain. Happiness, Joy and Rationales are evolving.
I did not realise that I could not sleep for hours and hours. My body shrunk a lot. Appetite loss, heart attack, chest pains and sorts. My age is haunting me everyday, and I have started to get chilled with algorithms and imperative phrases.
My parents did not know about this at all. My family did not know about it too. They don't know.
Through years and years, there would be some people who would steal my brain functions. Not my family. I am so sad. Anybody whom I had close relationships with had stolen those. I realised it when they were in the middle of stealing it. So, Brother Clement, what say you?
Then, my mentor said "Pick Medicine or Pick Education...that scholarship could be stopped. You are not a hero." to me. I was smiling without knowing how my smile was as strong to do but as weak to show to others.
I am not a hero for anybody. However, people would get angry at me if I just slipped a bit, I got one mistake, cursing me all the way, making myself as their notes of singing. So, Hero, what say you now?
I will pick one...I don't want my age haunting me all the way...
I would be extremely tired, exhausted, out of energy, parsing my brain's energy and my body's energy...I know people always say "Ko suda ada itu, ko mau lg ini, tamaha jg kau ini" all the time, but they don't know what I have been feeling and been through. So, let you all just shut up, SHUT THE HELL UP!...Let me know it well and have a moment of mine which I don't bother yours.
